Thoughts on bein vulnerable

My brother Simon and I have gotten increasingly close in the past couple years, and this has led to a lot of meaningful, thoughtful conversations. Mostly, they've been reflecting on our mutual experience of childhood; the places we went, the food we ate, the movies we watched. More importantly, though, is the way we've been able to look back at how our childhood has shaped who we are today. One of those aspects Simon and I have talked about a lot (especially with his girlfriend, Rachel) has been emotional availability, and general vulnerability. It's weird, but we've both come to realize we're really, really private about our feelings, and Rachel can vet this. This fact is troubling -- I've always thought of myself as open, gentle. Last year in Studio Art, I made a piece with the slogan "Be More Tender" slapped across the front, and I didn't really think about needing to take that advice myself. This has become a sort of haunting personal issue, too. Emotions are awesome, and beautiful, and the spectrum of experience they encompass is so complex and overwhelming and glorious -- but how do you begin to allow that spectrum to be experienced by/with other people? I hadn't even realized until recently that most of my life I've allowed myself to close my feelin's off to the outside world, but there are so many amazing things that come out of being emotionally available to the people around you.

This is a concept I've been battling with particularly in the last couple weeks, because as a senior, I wonder why I was ever so guarded in the first place. It's my last year with this group of people, and there is so much I wish I'd said sooner, so many people I wish I'd let myself be open to. Over the summer, I reconnected with a friend from middle school. We had a weird relationship built on white lies and competition (middle school was an awful, awful time), and being able to look back at that together five years later was incredibly therapeutic. It made me realize how good it feels to be open -- it took all the power in my being to sit with her and honestly talk about that part of my life, gently and thoughtfully, but I left our reconciliation with an overwhelming feeling of calm and contentedness. In my final year of high school, how do I want to leave this institution? Can I make those same kinds of connections with the kids at this school?

I love meeting people that put me at peace. Some of my dearest friends are the types of personalities I get lost in thought with; walking home and forgetting how long it's been because the convo is too good, having talks that make you feel so deeply understood and heard, just being able to lay it all out for someone and know that they'll respect your sensitivity and your thoughts -- that is such a beautiful part of being a person and getting to meet other people. I want to be able to provide that feeling for all the people in my life, and I'm trying my best! It's a slow process, one that I am willing to work for, and one that seems incredibly rewarding, and I'm willing to devote time to it; hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be able to look back and say I made it happen. :-) xx